Welcome to the silliest of seasons and a jolly good August to you all my darlings from the hometown of Bardot, yes I’m taking a little trip here in the South of France just to try out my new tan which I got elsewhere and my new sateen bathing suit in the most gorgeous shade of lilac, which is a lovely colour to wear with a tan and it shows off a good figure. What are you doing this summer apart from reading my column?
Oh how nice it is to be amongst the beautiful people who don’t seem to have a care in the world, life is so shatteringly short we have to enjoy it every moment darlings. I have to tell you about my cheap and cheerful beauty tip, oh you will really thank me for this. STOP spending precious dollars on expensive face masks and grab yourself a banana. Yes! A banana skin is the best mask ever. Eat your banana first of course, it’s so good for you, and then using the inside of the skin, just rub it over your face and leave it for 10 minutes until it goes black and wash it off with tepid water, your skin will feel nice and firm and you’ll be smiling too, having saved all that money darlings, and not having to carry pots of creams with you.
This is a tiny bit short because I’m busy on holiday but I wanted to get away from the pool for a minute to reach for my lap top – away from those dreadful common sights, false booby jobs darlings, how simply awful to be stuck with those every day. How simply dreadful to admit that you have had a booby job, and you have to darlings because of course everyone knows, it’s so appallingly obvious and your man would know, I mean how simply dross for a man to have to fondle two pieces of jelly like fish.
Say no more sweetie darlings let me get off this subject and on to finer things. Ahhhhhhhh.
Oh…..my mobile …I have to go…. I’m invited to drinks and dinner sweeties and have to dash off to get ready, byeeeeeeeeee.