November 2003
  Pure Agony
SUE FIRTH 

Hi everyone! Well, last month has been an interesting one and full of gossip!

Do you remember hearing about Justin and his marriage being on the rocks when my page first went live? I had suggested he get his head around what he wanted in life but particularly from marriage. He decided that he didn’t want marriage and promptly left his wife! He got regular access to his children and seemed happy for a while – spending time with his girlfriend who had also been in the background prior to the divorce. To his credit, Justin has told his girlfriend that he must sort his marriage first and so I was cheering in the background even though his subsequent decision to leave his wife, left everything very raw for a while.

I met him again recently and guess what? He’s now left his girlfriend too!!! This creates a major trail of devestation behind him as once again he leaves a woman; a new house he’s bought in conjunction with her (therefore he needs to sell it before he can live on the proceeds); still paying maintenance to his wife and kids, whilst now living in a flat! What kind of idiot does this? What work did he do on what he wanted in life if it takes two failed relationships to work out what he doesn’t want? This is not fair on anyone. Justin now thinks he should spend a year on a desert island but it will be sod’s law someone else will be shipwrecked with him and that person will be a woman!

So, what advice do I have for him? I honestly don’t know. My gut feel is he needs to spend some time on his own – not without his children and his work as he envisages, but just time without a relationship so that he can work out what kind of person he is, what his needs are and the kind of relationship he wants. For example, if you are a risk-taker, someone who enjoys jet-setting and a champagne lifestyle then it does no-one any good if you set up house with a quiet doormouse because there could potentially be a clash of values/ personalities there. Equally, if he wants someone who is intelligent, likes the nice things in life and has money of her own then don’t be surprised if she has strong opinions and voices them because that’s what someone who is independent will want to do. Wanting a quiet life but not a doormouse is not easy. Again though, if you tie yourself down with a fiery type who is strident, pushy and an achiever then things may not work because you can have conflict and a mis-match when it comes to who is in control. So what does he do? Let me know what you think……..Mail me at Sue@hotgossip.co.uk.

About me:
I’m feeling miffed this month because one of my relatives is being a fool unto himself. Having hurt his knee in a near-accident trying to avoid a car coming too fast round a bend, my relative took a dive. This was now 4 months ago. Repeated requests to see the Doctor proved fruitless as he persisted in believing it was okay and would heal by itself. When it obviously wasn’t going to, I told him to go to a Chiropractor because the knee might be out of alignment and even slight degrees of strain can cause swelling and pain. He refused whilst babbling on about “going to see a physio next week”…… Believe that and you’ll believe anything!!

Never-the-less, he went to see a physio and low and behold she gave him some exercises to do. He persisted with them but has not found it any easier and now concedes that the knee just might be out of alignment some how – as if he hadn’t heard this possibility suggested before. A further request to see a Chiropractor and we’ll just have to wait and see. He only has 2 weeks before he goes on holiday and will suffer badly if he can’t walk much around the island he’s visiting. Why is it men are so stubborn and so unwilling to go to a Doctor? This man is senior in years so I’ll leave you to guess which one of my relatives it is…….

A last word on me:
October saw a great step forward for me as I have been signed up by an Agent. I’m very pleased actually as my previous experiences had been very annoying to say the least. I’d tried once before but after travelling up to see them in Worcester and being fed all the right noises – in other words, I didn’t hear the dreaded “ thank you, we’ll be in touch” – I presumed that I’d hear from them in due course. Needless to say I did, but with all my bumph returned. It was a memorable Monday morning and my spirits were very low. However, undaunted I used the experience as an example of how life can kick you but it mustn’t be allowed to break your confidence and one woman sitting in my audience happened to have a husband who ran an Agency. She said she’d be in touch. My heart sank... but two weeks later I met up with Martin and two weeks on from then I’m about to visit the offices of Creating Excellence and very happy I am about it! They handle a number of sports people rather than psychologists like me but that’s why there’s room for me I suppose – so watch this space again……

One final point…
Someone I know is married to a Philippino. He met her whilst living in Abu Dhabi for 4 years and they married nearly 3 years ago whilst out there. They returned in the Summer of ’92 with their daughter of nearly 2 and have lived in a small maisonette ever since. The amazing thing is that his wife was so willing to come as her first experience of Britain had prompted a dislike of the place and requests to come here to live and been met with a definitive ‘no’. She has worked hard to make friends and become very settled to the point that her husband’s difficulties in moving house and getting a job with a decent salary have prompted renewed efforts to live abroad again and she has said she wouldn’t go now!

The problem he has is satisfying her. When you marry a Philippino you have an obligation to their family and although this man knew that, the reality is proving difficult to keep up with. On a recent trip home she spent 9 weeks away from him having taken their daughter too. This length of time was prompted by an upsetting experience in which one of her friends was very ill and she stayed as long as she could in order to help. Never-the-less, he sent her with £2,000 pocket money for the duration of her stay and she blew £1,500 of it immediately on mobile phones for the family! She then rang up and asked for more! She also requested that he send over a sum of money to purchase a piece of land so that the family could build themselves a new home on it – how much did he send? Well, he cashed in one of his endowments to do it so I’ll leave you to guess…..

The issue? He won’t stand up to her and say no because he’s frightened she’ll leave some day and take his daughter with her. What do you think he should do? Let me know, mail me at Sue@hotgossip.co.uk.

Well, that’s it for now. I’ll be back next month with more juicy info for you to digest and comment on.

Take care all of you,

Sue

Oh and the sum of money he sent over for the land? ….. was £25,000!

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